A priest, a Rabbi and a dog walk into their favorite bar, they would get together two or three times a week for drinks and to talk shop. On this particular afternoon, the dog started his drinking before and is already pretty lose. He climbs onto the stool and asks the bartender “Where can a fella find a decent bitch round here?”
The bartender carefully places the shot glass he was cleaning on to the granite counter. He already knows what kind of night this is going to be. He looks around for the new waitress. Crystal? Amber? Jade? What the hell is that chicks name again? She’s looking around confused. She always has a lost and dazed way about her. She notices him looking at her and makes her way over.
“Um hi…so um I don’t know if table seven is mine but…”
“Listen. It doesn’t matter. If something needs to get done just do it.” He replies sternly
She looks down like a child admonished by a father.
“Just go in the back and get some more nuts and napkins for this here bar. Got that” He yells.
She turns on her heels without a word.
He doesn’t mean to shout. The music is loud. He can hardly hear himself.
She walks quickly through the kitchen to the backroom. She grabs four small bowls and the jumbo Costco brand peanuts. She rips open a can and pours them out into each bowl. She grabs a few handfuls and munches away as she leans against the wall. She searches her pockets for her lighter and pulls it out with her pipe. She tells herself she will stop before it starts affecting her looks and judgment. She doesn’t realize that it already has. Light. Inhale. She hates this job. It’s only temporary just until she nails the audition on Thursday. She turns and faces the wall. Exhale. The tunnel of smoke explodes when it hits the wall. The graffiti is written in all the languages of past, present and future assholes. The art needs no translation. Inhale. Her mind wonders to her new roommate. She isn’t sure if she should even call him that. Exhale. They met two weeks ago when she went out to get her mine off …things. They had a great time. Inhale. He said he lived far away and needed a place to crash for the night. She invited him over. Exhale. She isn’t sure when he will make his way home. She doesn’t light up again. She places the contraband back in her pocket. He spends his days on her couch watching television. At least he cleans. Her apartment never smelled so good. She fans away the smoke with her hands. She pulls out the Victoria Secrets vanilla body splash. At night after work, she brings leftovers for dinner. They eat and discuss life, love, politics, and the episodes of Law and Order he watched that day. She thinks this is what it feels like to be in love with someone after you’re no longer in love with them. It’s nice.
She takes a deep breathe, turns and walks out of the closet leaving the bowls of nuts
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2 comments:
this is really visual poem......when i read it i can almost feel like im there watching it all....very descriptive!!!
Hi Joanne
This is a great experiment — the gradual movement from jokey set-up, to seeing things from the bartender's perspective, to seeing things from the waitress's perspective, is really fascinating. In fact, I think you could play with this a bit more, slow it down a bit. For example, you could lead us into the joke a bit more — maybe the priest and the rabbi have something to say? And then the bartender becomes the focus, and then the waitress, and then the scene shifts to her home and her "boyfriend." Most of all, though, I think you could improve this by paying more attention to the details, especially of the waitress. We go from the stock cardboard characters of the joke to a more nuanced, real person, and the effect is dependent on that person being fully fleshed out, specific, original. But some of the details seem to rely too much on the stock figure of the long-suffering waitress with an addiction. The bartender, too, although it is interesting to hear his thoughts a bit, for the most part we don't know much about him so he becomes a stock bartender character. I guess I'm suggesting that your describe these people with more attention to their specificity, their quirks and appearances and personalities.
An interesting read. Keep it up.
C
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