I'm posting below two poems that were put up by Ashmeena. (They were in the comments on the post about the schedule, but I want to make sure that everyone sees them.) Thanks, Ashmeena.
We'll be discussing both Ashmeena's poems and Jacob's story next Wednesday (the 17th). Before then, your job is to write a comment responding to each of them. What sort of comment? Well, the idea is that you will help your colleagues develop and enhance their writing. Most importantly, you should try to understand what the writer is attempting to do in the piece, and base your assessment on the same criteria. Even if the piece is not your cup of tea, you should try to take it for what it is, and discuss the ways it succeeds, or the ways it might be improved. First, tell your colleagues what you like about the piece, or what works well. If there was a certain word choice or image that struck you, let them know. Tell them if it reminds you of anything that they might be interested in. Tell them about your reaction to the piece. If you found anything confusing, ask for clarification. If it made you angry, sad, scared, or happy, explain why. And if you have any suggestions about how they might revise the piece, tell them that too. Your suggestions might be as simple as punctuation advice, or as drastic as, "what if you rewrote this as a Broadway musical?"
By the way, if everyone is going to have two chances to submit work, then we should have three texts per week. So if there is someone else who has something to share on the 17th, please speak up.
Corey
Without You
I lie here thinking of you,
Wishing I was there with you,
With memories flashing before my eyes.
Your tender, gentle touch,
Is what my body craves so much.
Your smile and style, so simple and sweet,
As if on a stormy day, the sun came out to play.
Visions of you, so hard to stray.
Makes me feel like my mind can't stay.
My memories of you are so vivid,
I know in my heart, that i want to live in it.
This dream of mine i do hope come thru.
For you are the one i know its true.
I Need You
I need you,
Just as a poet needs inspiration to write a masterpiece.
I need you,
Just as an artist needs a subject for his work of art.
I need you,
Just as a teacher needs a pupil to mold into greatness.
I need you,
Just as a composer needs a theme to create a timeless melody.
I need you,
Just as a song needs notes to form beautiful melodies.
I need you,
For without you, my life would be empty of all inspiration.
There would be no work of art to gaze at,
No person of greatness before me,
And there will be no timeless melody to listen to.
My life would be like a candle without a flame.
There would be no light in my life. I need you.
Ashmeena Divya Teakram
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10 comments:
How romantic! What beautiful poems. I could feel your sincerity throughout them. I especially love the rhyme scheme in "Without You". My only quibble would be in "I need You"; I see what you're trying to do, but the melodies part felt a teeny bit repetitive. In the first part there's a poet, artist, and teacher, but the second part repeats melodies twice. Overall though, both poems are beautiful, and would be excellent to share with a significant other!
These poems are very beautiful. I feel that they can easily be misunderstood as purely romantic. It seems to me that she has lost someone, possibly a close relative, and she longs for this person to be back in her life. This is my interpretation, and it reminds me of my grandfather who passed away. The poems are naked and honest, there is no fluff, it is pure emotion. I enjoyed them very much.
I'm fairly insoluble with poems so please take this comment with a grain of salt.
The poems are very suggesting, to the point in which the imaginary boundary between "couples" love and family love seem to overlap to create some ambiguity. I really can't decide which is which but in either case I think they're very inspirational and deeply moving if directed to anyone in specific. The sincere emotions show right through.
These poems are just so soothing to the heart. Like Jacob said, these poems can be understood as purely romantic. But i think it goes further than that. I think that these poems help identify the author as purely romantic as well.
I edited this poem alittle but im still working on it!!!!! but tell me wat u think!!!!
I Need You
I need you,
Just as a poet needs inspiration to write a masterpiece.
Just as an artist needs a subject for his work of art.
I need you,
Just as a teacher needs a pupil to mold into greatness.
Just as a composer needs a theme to create a timeless melody.
I need you,
For without you, my life would be empty of all inspiration.
There would be no work of art to gaze at,
No person of greatness before me,
And there will be no timeless melody to listen to.
My life would be like a candle without a flame.
There would be no light in my life. I need you.
Ashmeena Divya Teakram
This is a new poem!!!!
What Should I Do?
What should i do,now that i know how much I Love You?
This question tackles me everyday,
which makes me think this way.
I don't know what to do. I'm restless, I'm miserable,
I'm sleepless, I'm undesirable.
What should i do,now that I know how much
I Love You & Can't Have You. In denial, I am
Thinking that, one day you will be mine.
Knowing however, deep down that I'll never be fine.
Hanging on, on what little hope i have
Thinking each day, hoping each minute that,
one day you will be mine
What should I do, now that I know how much I Love You?
Your tender Touch, I crave so much
Your Heartbeat pulsating so steady next to mine
Gently by myside as I had once called you mine
How much I miss that...
GOD!... What should I do, now that I know how much I
Love You & Can't have You?...
Ashmeena Divya Teakram
I am who I am,
I'm not a toy that does everything perfect.
I'm not a celebrity who doesn't know who they are.
I'm a human who loves who I am.
I'm not clay that has to be molded into what you want.
I'm not a barbie who has all the right curves and shapes in the right places.
I'm not bought from a department store because I am who I am.
I have emotions and feelings just as you do.
It's not as if all that depends on you.
Just give me a chance and let me be the person that I am.
Let me show you that,
I am, who I am.
Ashmeena, firstly I want to commend you on taking advice from your peers and rewriting your poem. I think this shows true character on your part. I thought the original poem "I need you" was a bit repetitive like that of “The school”, only that the story escalated. Your poem didn’t escalate so the constant repetition was not needed in the first poem. The rewritten version is smoother and moves at a better beat than the original. I love the comparisons you use, for example, the poet, artist, teacher, composer and so on. It was so beautiful the way you compare your “need” for this person to inspiration. You captured a feeling that I think everyone has felt at least once in their lifetime, and put it out for all to see. That alone is brave.
Ashmeena,
Your poems are all great. They are poems that aren't hard to understand and many of the times when I think of writing poems I always think I have to have a hidden message. Your poems are very easy to relate to and I liked how you changed "I need You" and too the advice that it was repetetive. My favorite poem was "I am who I am". It flowed very nicely. The way you rhymed your first poem was very impressive as well. Maybe you should challenge yourself and try to write a poem with some sort of hidden message? That can make the reader think. Just a suggestion. Good job!
Without You- I really like this poem because it is honest and romantic. I think that anyone who has lost or been away from someone that they love can relate to this poem. I think that this poem is effective in the way that it can reach out to a wide variety of readers and for different purposes.
I Need You- First of all, I want to say that I really enjoyed reading this poem. I think that this poem can really speal to alot of people and thats what I like about it. While reading it, it made me think about my grandfather who passed away last year, i lived with him most of my life. I think that the phrase i need you gets a little repetitive but I understand that you are trying to stress the importance of the phrase.
I really like your use of metaphors. They are simply beautiful.
I think that your revison is a job well done. You have managed to cut out the repetitiviness and still keep the same effect. Again, I really enjoyed this poem, thanks for sharing it.
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