Tuesday, November 18, 2008

From Shane for Nov. 19

Shane Hanlon

For Nov. 19 Workshop

Fallacy/Our City 2008 A.D.

1.

“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do”

Will sat on the bus busy, no time for considering the diversity of bird chirps. From a hard seat reserved for the handicapped, books on lap, he lifted his chin from his chest. Than wondered how his face looked, and if its bone structure was causing it to cast any dark shadows on itself. This thought sat as he made a line in his head, ‘I love this city, but its time’s like this I wish I had it to myself.’ An impossible thought.

“Woman, behold your son”

Will noticed the Chinese girl sitting across the aisle, cross-legged, listening to music. He assumed the music was empty and thought she was thinking nothing. After a short inspection, leaned back, and didn’t let her nothingness bother him with the reasoning, ‘this oriental bird that has appeared will soon dissolve into her destined migration. Content little swallow.’ This lean back had been with the desire that the shadows would darken on his face, while staring directly at the young women, wanting her to recognize gloom. She averted all attempts to hold her in his glance.

“I Thirst”

Will looked to his exit. The doors were loose and slightly wobbling. The bottom of the door had become separated from the steps which brought passengers down from the bus. It seemed so un-miraculous to see the street moving by, simply cement passing at a pace faster than it does while walking. The machine seemed just a container with wheels, as the road was just rocks, melted and binded; empty. While this anger bubbled inside, he threw-up slightly in his mouth and automatically gathered saliva to dilute the acid. Than, looked fiercely at the young woman, and decided to get off a stop early; also, for the first time ever to discharge his vomit spittle onto the black rubber flooring right before leaving. As Will rose from the bench in anticipation, his cell-phone which he had placed on his lap, fell and hit the floor. The girl quickly moved to pick-it-up and her CD-Player dropped to hit the floor with a hard crash which broke the cover off. Nevertheless, she reached for the phone first. While beginning to lean and take it from her, he noticed the now exposed CD from her broken player was one of the artist Bjork’s, a much loved musician of his. This brought rage and it showed when their eyes met. In an attempt to deny the phone was his, the vomit-spit fell from his mouth. The bus doors opened as the girl on her knees moved to hand it to him while a thick stream of saliva hung from his chin. Without accepting her offering, he turned instantly and jumped down from the public bus to the dark concrete.

“My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me!”

2. (This morning, three days later.)

“This day you will be with me in paradise”

Will stood, unable to move on the filled bus as it rolled slowly through traffic, blank-minded and incapable of directing a specific thought. He was facing towards a window, not by choice, as they all moved down a main road. The sidewalks flowed with people and the stores seemed endless, the words, ‘true metropolis’ shot through his mind. Unable to focus on a single store, they seemed to hold anything and everything. The throngs streamed down the boulevard; each face seemed unique and irreplaceable to the young man, all wrapped in coats just as he was. Watching this famous city made by its inhabitants his head felt warm and clear. He imagined each person carrying a brick and dropping it at the entrance of the high buildings.

“Father into your hands I commend my spirit”

While Will smiled at this vision, he felt a kick to his shin. On looking down, he met a pair of shiny, black, slanted eyes belonging to a girl who had been progressively leaned heavier onto during the admiration. He Moved back without removing the smile or glance from her face, although she had immediately broken eye contact. She appeared very young, with dark pony tails that had red highlights, her white skin soft-looking, and his smile reached wider at the sight of her small nose and ears. Amidst these still developing observations, and that still stretching smile, she was pulling her hand from her purse and a cell-phone came out along with her hand, but not in it. Her phone crashed to the floor and the battery separated from the rest. Not realizing she was picking it up he genuflected onto knees reaching to retrieve it for her. Focused on the task, he was unaware they were both placing the phone together simultaneously. She snatched the two pieces away from his palms, stood up, and quickly squeezed through the crowd out of his sight. He rose; grinning and unaware of his neighbor’s stares. The doors opened to the discovery that his stop had been passed twenty blocks prior. Instinctively jerking in the direction of the door, he stopped suddenly at sight of the passengers on the bus. Will stood transfixed, he gazed at each face one-by-one without a specific thought, smiling, and continued forward on the public city bus far beyond his stop.

“It is finished”

7 comments:

Jacob Kutnicki said...

I like this. I was gonna say that i wanna know more about will and then i realized that they were supposed to be like passengers on the bus. you know nothing about the other passengers while you are on a bus except when they get on and when they get off. Good Job

Angie Murillo said...

Shane, I really liked the structure of your story. I like the way you broke up with the quotes but I wonder what's the connection between the quotes and the paragraphs about Will. Maybe you can make it clearer throughout your story what your goal is because I didn't really understand it and then i read Jacob's comment. I thought it was very creative to write a story about the other passengers on a bus because it's true how little we know about them.

Trishy said...

I was wondering if there was a reason you chose two Asian women as the females for your story? The exotic, by any chance? (I'm half Chinese so just curious). I know Jacob said these characters were on a bus but I don't think the bus is even necessary. It seems that this piece is mainly about the two girls and their interactions with technology. I was left feeling a bit lost by the relgious references. I like how you incorporated them in, but wasn't sure what their purpose was. I love the whole "fly on the wall" aspect of Will's encounters but I think the story could be just as effective without all the extra references.

Anthony said...

Shane, I must admit I enjoyed reading this. Everything just clicked. The thoughts of the characters were all over the place and focused on everything else which added to the realism of it. It reminds me of what it's like to have your mind in 20 places at once. The breakdown in between with the biblical quotes were a nice touch. I'm still figuring how they relate to the proceeding paragraphs, but nice work.

Corey Frost said...

There is some brilliant writing, here, Shane. Nice work. I laughed out loud at the thought of the vomit-tinged saliva escaping just as he tries to talk to the girl.

I also agree with some of the other comments: my enjoyment of this piece comes from overhearing, as it were, the scattered observations going on in Will's mind, but the overall structure of the piece leaves me guessing. The allusions to Jesus Christ are provocative but perhaps have not been really given anything to do in the story.

What do the rest of you think is going on here, with the biblical quotes, and with the plot itself?

Tyrike said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tyrike said...

Nice job of making the story suspenseful.But I wasn't sure why you incorporated the bible verses.