Cigarette smoke filled the bar, my lungs
As the bodies moved in unison on the floor;
The barstool beneath me buzzed to the beat as I
Tuck my wings behind me so they didn’t get in the way.
The bartender winked at me as he passed me a Heineken, saying
“Nice outfit.” Of course.
I saw him there, standing in the corner of the room,
Looking sharp in his sharp outfit:
Pinstripe suit, porkpie hat, dragging from his cigar
As the corners of his lips spread into a grin under the red light.
Yes, his blue eyes flickered around the room,
Rubbing the burn on the ring finger
As he stood and took his time,
Spreading that demonic smile around to the masked figures around him.
Cackles from the coat room as the masks closed in on him.
Well, his hands moved slowly, stealthily,
Welcoming, enveloping
Like so many others before.
I stood, stumbled, and made my way to the floor
Fallen, disgraced, mortal
As his wandering eye finally zeroed in on me
Drawing me in.
I followed my feet as his eyes narrowed, measuring his success
Before he decided, yes, and reached out his arms.
Blurry faces obscured my vision
Sounds of dark laughter and the feel of a hand on my thigh
A tug on my tattered wings
Lips on my neck
Whispers in my ear
And that damn fucking smile
Are the only things I remember
Before I pulled the gun from my garter and shot him.
5 comments:
There was someone who wrote a similar topic to this one. I remember I mentioned in class that I thought it was about a rape when in reality it was about a murder. Some of the story is a little unclear. Why is the narrator wearing wings? Is it a Halloween costume? Is there a significance to them? If there is, I'd love to see it developed more. I really liked it but I would like to see the characters developed a bit more.
I liked the mysterious illusion you tried to convey but i feel like as Patricia suggested it still needs a little bit of work. Like Patricia, im cunfused with why the narrator was wearing wings. I understand that you are trying to create an ambiguius situation with the death but you should really provide the readers with a little bit more information than you actually provided us with. Once again the idea is great but I feel like it still needs a little bit of work.
This feel like a piece of Noir to me. I can picture a great old school Hollywood actress like Ingrid Bergmann filmed in black and white with whisps of smoking curling around her face. I like it, but i think you should extend it into a short story. Maybe just a scene with some dialogue before she shoots the man.
I didn't think the wings were a costume, so much as the character was a 'fallen angel'
Similarly to others, I feel that your story could be extended as to clarify the events and characters. The ending is a nice unsuspecting move, but it seems it could be more powerful if it burrowed from a more developed seemingly unrelated background.
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