Hey everyone. I was having problems with my computer, so I haven't been able to post anything so im putting them up now. Any feed back would be great. Thanks again. This is my dream piece
I can see you sitting at the kitchen table, right in front of me. You are within my reach so I stretch my hand out to touch you one last time, but my arm is not long enough and my fingers just miss. I call your name, but you don’t answer, I don’t understand: are you ignoring me? What did I do to upset you? You get up and walk across the room to get a fresh cup of coffee. I tell you to relax and I will get it for you, but you pay me no attention. You go to the counter, pour your coffee into the same mug you used every day, two sugars, lots of milk, then stir-same as always. You return to your seat at the table. The only one you ever sat in to drink your coffee and then you light up a cigarette. The smoke quickly filled the room. Suddenly, I am in my room. How did I get here? I run down the stairs and into the kitchen, but the smells of cigarettes are far in the distance, just like you, Poppy.
3 comments:
I find this to be a very depressing dream. Ive actually had one of these dreams before but its because someone very close to me left me. It sounds like this is what you were aiming at. I liked the creativity of the piece and it deffinetly atriggered some emotion when i read it.
Yeah I lost my grandfather over a year ago, thats who Poppy is. I know that I could have just said grandpa but I always called him Poppy, and I wanted to kept the reader thinking about who is was without giving it totally away.
Justine, this is a very moving piece. What really makes it work is the inclusion of many precise, concrete details, such as the sugar and milk in the coffee. There are a couple of inconsistencies of verb tense that you might want to fix, and one sentence fragment that you may want to rewrite. I don't think you need to make "Poppy" any more explicit than it is now. It seemed pretty clear to me that this was about a departed grandfather. Thank you.
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