You’re in the car with a beautiful man and he doesn’t tell you he loves you. You know he does. He helped you make cupcakes this afternoon. He let you pick out the flavor (chocolate your favorite). He let you break the eggs, pour the water and oil. He even let you lick the bowl. “Rachel’s birthday slumber party will great.” He says. It’s your first night away from home. Things are starting to change.
You’re in a car with a beautiful man and he won’t tell you he loves you. You know he always has. He is only a few years older then you, and yet he acts like an old man. He’s driving you to the mall to meet your best friend that he can’t stand. He thinks she is bad influence. She has a bad attitude. He thinks she's hot. He doesn’t understand why you want things pierced and parts of your body permanently marked. He doesn’t like the way boys look at you now. "The changes of life" is what your P.E. teacher called it. No one likes these changes.
You’re in a car with a beautiful boy and he tells you he loves you. You think he does, at least you use to. Rachel said she saw him the other night leaving the bowling alley with Jackie looking really cozy. Everyone knows what that girl is about. This couldn’t be true. He told you he was out with his boys. Besides he said he understands that you’re not ready. He told you he respects your decision. He told you that it wasn’t that important to him. He tells you he loves you all of the time. When did things change?
You’re in a car with a beautiful man who loves you. Today he stood before your god, your friends and your family and announced it. You must acknowledge this testimony. You’ve searched for this beauty for so long. “Kissed a lot of frogs” they say. You want to start a life with this man. You will have all kinds of new experiences. Thing will be exciting and new. This changes how you felt about love before.
You’re driving in a car with a beautiful little man. He’s in the car seat playing with his favorite toy. You love this boy so much it. You can’t even believe how much you love him. You are so excited about everything about him. You mention him in every conversation. He is all over your desk at work. He’s in your wallet, on your cell, even around your neck. This little man has changed you in a way that all of the other men seem a bit envious.
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5 comments:
I think that this piece is brilliant. I really like the sequence of growing up and the different kinds of men in ones life. I think that this is true for almost every girl, this kind of sequence I mean. You did a great job of capturing the essence of these feelings, and I think that this piece is very honest and sincere.
When I read the last paragraph, I understood the simple beauty you were trying to express. Like Justine already mentioned, you told a story of the men in our lives, but also the changes that these men represent in our lives. First the narrator is a child with her father, then she becomes a teenager, and then has a boy to "love". The last paragraph ties the theme of change and growing up. I really enjoyed this piece.
What a moving piece. I loved it; it really shows the transgressions of life. The only part I was a bit confused with was the second paragraph. What is the significance of this boyfriend acting like a father figure? I thought it was the father at first, but the "only a few years older" made it seem it was a boyfriend. Other than the vagueness there, great job!
Very nice writing, Joanne. The piece seems to resonate with people, and I like the repetition, which creates a feeling of time passing in recognizable ways. I don't think the second paragraph is as ambiguous as Patricia suggests -- it was the brother, no? -- but perhaps it could be tweaked a bit.
I'm impressed by the structure of this piece and the elegance of its execution, but I have a question: do you think this is an accurate representation of the way most women perceive the men in their lives, or is it an idealization, the way women would like to see the men in their lives? In other words, are you writing reality or fantasy here? There's nothing wrong with indulging in the latter, but ultimately reality has a greater impact.
Another thing I wonder is this: how would this story be different if the child at the end were a girl? Or, for that matter, if any of the roles described here (because each paragraph is not just about a particular man, it is about a particular role in the narrator's life) were filled by a woman? What is it that you want to say about men, and why is it particular to men?
Some of you may feel that I am "over-analyzing" this piece, but I am just curious about what your thoughts are on these questions, and how you interpret the issues inherent in the piece. If you think carefully about such issues, they may lead you to discover what you are going to write next.
I had a feeling that this would be a piece that girls would be able to relate to. (I am a girl)
I wanted to play with the idea of men always directing (driving) a womans life. In my culture the saying is "a son til wife a daughter for life"
I wanted the idea of the men driving the girl not really understanding why she is changing and just wanting her to sit back and enjoy the ride. The only time the woman has control is when she is driving her son (the mama's boy)
The person driving in the second paragraph is her in fact her brother and not a boyfriend. I am going to work on it to make it a little clearer. Thanks for the feedback everyone even you Mr. Comment deleted by the author. Look out for part deux
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